Hard Times

Hey, everyone. I don't know who all will be reading this, but if you are, thanks for viewing.

On May 27th of this year, my grandmother on my mom's side passed away. She had been a huge support for me through my pregnancy. She had been my main ride to all of my OBGYN appointments, WIC appointments, calling me to make sure that I was okay throughout my pregnancy, and many other things. I am not the first grandchild of hers to have given her a great-grandchild, but there have been some things with my cousin that have now since started to really bug me now that my grandma is gone...

Now, let me put this out there, right now: just because these things about my cousin have now started to really bug me, this does not mean that I hate my cousin. I still love her and know that she loved our grandma deeply, and that the loss has hit her about just as hard as it has me. My grandmother was well loved by a lot of people, and to say that my cousin didn't love our grandma would be wrong on many levels. So before I get into what about my cousin has bugged me, I just wanted to put that out there.

When my cousin was pregnant with her baby boy, my grandma had told her that she wanted to be there in the delivery room when my cousin was having the baby. From what my grandma had told me, my cousin said, "Okay, grandma~", and then when she was in labor, she made everyone--our grandma included--leave the room when she delivered her son.

When my grandma told me this, I told her, "You are going to be there when I deliver my baby." And I had every intention of following through with what I had said. I had her with me for almost every OBGYN appointment, right there in the room. She was with me when I had my ultrasound done to find out the gender of my baby and was so excited for her new great-grandchild. I even told her that whenever she wanted to see my baby, all she had to do was call and let me know, and even if my baby was sick, she could come to see my baby.

And now, my grandma is gone. For the past few months, she had not been doing too well. In and out of the emergency room constantly. Taking about 40+ pills a day. She was so looking forward to getting better so that way she could take me to my OBGYN appointments, again, because as her health was then she just couldn't do it. And then just a week before her birthday, my grandma died of congestive heart failure. She was at her apartment, alone. The medical staff that had arrived had said that she hadn't suffered long.

What bothers my mother and my uncles is that, 1: my grandma died alone, and 2: the amount of pills she had to take that the doctors had told her she needed in order to get better. The second one bothers me about just as much as it bothers my mom and uncles, but what bugs me is that my cousin did not let our grandma in the delivery room when she had her son.

I can understand a little. My cousin was probably super nervous and let her anxiety get to her and so she didn't want anyone to be in there at the last minute when she delivered. But at the same time, she had the opportunity to have my grandma there, and she didn't. And now, with the plan of my grandma being there with me when I delivered, will never be able to happen for me. As much as I can sit here and say that I understand, at the same time, I can't. I feel...I don't even know how to describe it. "Betrayed" doesn't sound right. "Broken" doesn't sound right, either. It's like my cousin--without really meaning to--took the time my grandma had left for granted, and because she did, it stole my opportunity to have my grandma there with me.

I know that my grandma will still be there. She will be there in Spirit, watching over me as my child is brought into the world. The only comfort that I have is that, this time, there's no way anyone can stop her from being there. No one will be able to kick her out of the delivery room. It may not be the original way we had planned it, but it's the only way that I can stop myself from breaking down and crying. I have grieved plenty over the loss. And I'm sure that there will be plenty of other times in the future where the tears will still fall, but for the moment, that thought is what gives me strength to keep going, and to be okay with the fact that my grandma is no longer here.

She is no longer in pain. No longer suffering. And now, no one can stop her from being there when I go into labor and deliver my baby. I won't see her, but I'll know she's there. And I'm sure my baby will know it, too.

Please, to those of you reading this journal entry, don't squander the time you have with your loved ones. You never know when they are no longer going to be there. When that pillar of strength and support that they provide will crumble and disappear. Cherish every moment with them. Let them know how much you care about them. And should you find yourself in a similar situation as me, where your relatives want to be there when you deliver your very own child, no matter how nervous and anxious you get, don't kick them out. Give yourself that memory to hold onto. To cherish. Because once it's gone, there's no way to redo it.

Thank you for reading. Have a good day/night/whatever.

~Jessica